I'll try to keep this brief.
My dad was exceedingly violent towards my mum when he'd been drinking so she left him when I was very young, I never knew him and he died of abusing drink some years later. Life was pretty poverty stricken making school life a misery in a fairly working class+ area. Bullied day after day throughout primary school for being both weird and poor. Had short term friends on and off throughout, life was very lonely.
Mum met a guy and had another kid, fantastic stuff as a new brother was just what the doctor ordered, I was 7 at the time. However man was a prick and made my life seem very backward to what I was accustomed too. Brother had a bad convulsion from a young age leaving him brain damaged but self capable, however incapable sociably making it impossible for us to ever be proper friends as he leads a simple day to day life. Life was now worse than before.
After few years mum and man broke up thank god. Sticky ending but once all the typical shit ended things were at least better. Now 9 years old.
Mum met neighbour who was just friend, neighbour took me under his wing as a token of pity for my lack of male influence as his children had all grown up. Neighbour took me to pubs, bowling etc. Treated like a friend rather than a child or invalid like I was use too. Was nice to have a friend.
Naturally neighbour turned out to be a violent pedofile, however he had money and was still my only friend so being young and dumb it seemed that the benefits outweighed the negatives. When I tried to end "relationship" threats of exposing to my family and school kept me quiet as being young and dumb I believed he actually would. Made friends at school, despite neighbour being bad he turned me into a social normality. Bullying was still intense but I had friends now nonetheless. Neighbour managed to weed his way into meeting them, claiming his identity as an "uncle". Now even harder to get rid of him.
Endured neighbours violence and physical/emotional abuse for 5 years.
Because of bullying and poverty and despite being clever lost all interest in school. Didn't even show up for the last 2 years. Sat my gcse's out of principal but didn't Even walk away with a single "D" grade. Started a job in a shop at 14 and worked all hours I could get. Seemed like I'd made the right choice as I could now afford to do things and buy clothes that fit, never considered the future.
Now 14, things looking up :-)
met a girl, nice girl from another school. Spent a total of 2 years with her, 1st 6 months were great. After a while found myself to have alot of nighbour traits. I was an emotional bully, said horrible things. Never hurt her physically or abusively just through words and actions. Eventually she dumped me making me a mess for the next year.
She was the 1st person I had ever been close to (through choice) in my life. Ended up going crazy and shagging all my friends girls, lost most of my mates through it. Eventually got arrested and lost my job.
New job, new start.
Got a part time job in tesco, within weeks became a team leader which is alot more responsibility than it sounds, most staff were my age (students) so I had a responsible job and new friends. Was really nice.
Met a girl who was a staff member, was one of those situations where she was basically a goth and I a Chav so we both kept our crush secret for nearlly a year as it seemed impossible for the other to be interested.
After her return from travelling we hit it off. I grew my hair, she stopped dying hers black. We became like best friends and it quickly turned
to a fantastic relationship. I'd never been happier than I was now.
Back to the downturn, back to reality.
Job wasn't working out, got stitched up and became disillusioned. Girl was going to uni in London and I had nothing to stay for so I came too.
1st year in London, stayed in couples accomodation, I worked nights. Girl found it hard to make friends as living situation made her secluded, ended up spending all her time waiting for me to come home. This eventually drove a wedge between us as I was desperate for my own time and she was desperate for all my time.
2nd year in London.
Stayed in houseshare with some acquaintances from her uni, we shared a room, they were all a complete nightmare in every way. Although we were greatful to have each other to stop our situation driving us mad. Once again we were driving eachother mad cos all we talked about is how bad things were.
3rd year of London.
Found the house/housemates of our dreams, but too much damage was done. After spending so much time moaning to eachother we could now only see eachother as the person we complain too. The fun in the relationship had gone and I eventually called time on it. 1 week today would of been our 4th year as a couple.
I met a girl from work, she met a guy on a night out. He is a marine and at this current moment is fighting in afghanistan. No hard feelings towards him, although she has hard days it's clear she loves him and it's nice to see her happy. However I still love her deeply, we are
best friends who still shre a room till our contract ends (no, no funny business) and this is hard for me. She is
always there for me.
Back to demons.
As I was with my 1st girl, I became similar with this one.
Over those 3 years I noticed myself become a bully and controlling again. The embodiment of that which I hate, only solace I had now was that I was aware of it so I could apologise afterwards each time, 2nd girl is the most considerate kindest person
u would ever meet. So she would never have a bad word to say about me and always tells me I'm not as bad ad I think I am. But I am. I don't mean to be but I am.
I spent all my relationship looking at other girls, pineing after flings that I never had because I wasn't happy, and being relatively good looking it was the one thing I had, my only thrill was chase.
Me in a nutshell.
Had a bullying poverty stricken start to life.
was abused for 5 years, still in conact with neighbour up until only a few months ago.
Threw away my education.
Threw away my friends.
Recently threw away my girlfriend.
Finally realised my flaws after this break up, had time to reflect on how and why I became who and what I am.
Everything I start I never finish.
Hate my night job but money isn't bad.
Have no career prospects.
Can't hold a normal relationship because eventually my true colours show.
Now realise I will either die alone or leave someone behind broken and miserable through the torment I would of put them through.
On paper I am good looking, charming, a talker, earn £20,000 a year and live in a nice house with cool ppl.
Inside I am messed up, will never have a decent job or relationship, will never have kids cos I'll fuck them up too. Any opportunity given to me I'll throw away cos I can't stick to anything.
I'm going to kill myself because this will go round and round forever otherwise. but I wanted my story heard 1st
if you read this, thankyou.
Rich
